Thursday, March 17, 2011

Just a little something about my past...

Standing in the hallway of my middle school in 7th grade, getting ready to head to Spanish class. Here comes David, also in 7th grade and in a few of my classes. "Oh boy" I'm thinking.. and not in an excited kind of way. I'm hoping that this time he just leaves me alone. 
He walks up to me, sees that I'm holding a heavy ringed-binder and a few textbooks in my arms.. my arms feeling sore from the weight.. as I readjust them to get ready and walk to my next class David takes his hand and slams my books down to the tiled floor. 
It all crashing down, every paper from my binder fanning out across the binder breaking completely.. my text books falling on top. The sound was so loud. 
Everyone stops to see what that sound was. 
People laugh. David.. laughs and walks away. 

"That's it..I have had it.. I can't take this anymore" I think to myself.. with tears of anger..pure anger pouring out of eyes. One of my good friends helps me clean up. Cleaning up takes forever because papers had slid so far down the hall. I hadn't even noticed each one until I had to pick it up. 

I walk to Spanish class where I know David will be, too. I am getting more and more furious. I snap. 

I rush into class, slam my messy binder and textbooks down onto my metal, scribbled-on school desk, and hurry over to David who I notice is still giving me such a nasty smirk. I lunge at him, punching him in the face, attempting to wipe that smirk off his face. He gets up from his desk ready to punch me back and then immediately I feel our teacher tear us apart. 
"So you're going to punch huh?? you're going to punch a girl??" a shout to him. Someone in the class shouts, what sounds like distorted words to me at the time, what they saw happen to me in the hallway. 
The teacher scolds David and let's me sit back down and tells me to just calm down and that everything will be okay. 

I lucked out. 

I could have been suspended. Regardless of how David had bullied me for almost a year.. taunting me.. telling me that he had a crush on me and then telling everyone how ugly I was.. constantly making rude and nasty comments to me and my friends at every chance he could.. but when everything settled down and my face had changed from red to normal.. when I was calm and in my seat sitting near the front of the class in Spanish class that day..I felt so fucking proud of myself. 

That same year and before and after I was bullied by a group of girls. You know how it is, it's never just one, it's a group. Those 3 years were the toughest of my life. 
Because those will low self-esteem can't bully you by themselves. David, was a rare exception. He didn't need an audience he bullied me for pure fun and all by himself. I found out a year later that it was all because he had a crush on me. 
Way to go David for proving how you were my knight in shining armor who took pride in trying to punch me with your armor. 

He's probably in jail right now for god know's what. No conscience. No nothing in that kids' skull. 
It took me years to realize that of course.  

I had been bullied so much and by so many different people during middle school that I am very sensitive about this issue. 
There was even one time I was surrounded by 10 girls, one punched me in the face and I did absolutely nothing about it. 
Boy if I could just find her now..... 
She did get kicked out of my school for it though, so that was something. 
the principal had me point her out while she sat in her class one morning.. pointing her out exactly like a prison lineup was happening. 
Apparently, she had quite the rap sheet for a 7th grader. I remember, she had a huge scar that went down her cheek. She looked crazy. 
I saw her on my bus when I was in the 10th grade.. she got on and a few stops later, I got off. We both saw each other and it made me feel sick to my stomach. But I stared right back at her.. giving her the meanest face I could. Even if I was bluffing.. 

There was nothing wrong with me at that time in middle school. I kept trying to figure out why I was targeted so much. Then one day I realized why: I had really good grades and those assholes that bullied me? did not. I minded my own business and those kids taunted me because of it. I couldn't win no matter what I did. 
I wore clothing that was in style so I could blend in. 
I was still bullied. 
I wore my hair the way that everyone else did. 
I was still bullied. 
I used slang like everyone else did. 
I was still bullied. 
I didn't smell, I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly.. I was normal just like every kid out there. 
..but I was still bullied. 

There never is anything really wrong with any bullied kid. It's always so simple.. you are targeted for a ridiculous "reason" and that's all a kid with SUPER LOW self-esteem needs to try and make your life a living hell. 

So now I just need to find a really great Karate class for James AND Natalie. 
Because my kids? if someone throws a punch at either one of them, they'll know how to properly defend themselves and they'll know to feel comfortable coming to Mom and Dad about it. At least I hope so. Because that's the hardest most embarrassing thing for a bullied kid.. is telling Mom or Dad. That's where the education begins... that's where the source of self-esteem begins. 

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