Monday, November 1, 2010

survival of the fittest.

Over the past several weeks something has kept repeating in my brain ..over and over and over again.

"You're too nice. Nice people always finish last".

I know, what kind of crap is that? And it's not even really true. Is it? But my brain.. oh this brain of mine. It likes to mess with me sometimes.
I'm going to go more realistic here and say, how the hell do I know if that really is true? Have I met every single person on this earth to figure out if this is really true? Have I always finished last? Has every nice person I have ever met in my almost-32 years of existence felt this way, too?
And if it is really true, then what the hell?

The past few months have been full of blows here in the Bent household. A few highs.. blessings to count even.. but lows. And lots of them. And before I duck and hide from saying "well it could be worse" out loud again, I really do still want to hang on to that.. that it really could be worse. Even if it does feel like every time I mention those blows something not so nice happens almost right after.

I've spent some time wallowing in my own pity, feeling sorry for myself.. feeling sorry for my family.. especially feeling sorry for them. Not a lot of time waisted on that but I have done it. More than noce. Recently, very recently, have even muttered those two words I swore I'd never ever ever say....

"Why us?"

But then again, why us? I think after every bit of crap our family has endured I'm allowed to ask that now.
Why are we constantly being pushed to our limits and beyond? Why are we pushed so far that we even start to question our own sanity? Why are my husband and I constantly wondering how we're going to make this marriage survive when only "for worse" keeps happening? Where the fuck are the "for betters?" Why are we constantly made to try and scramble a plan to feed our family? Why is this state not giving us the help we desperately need while we fill our end of the bargain and pay big taxes? Why are we constantly being pushed to limits that feel like they're starting to break us? I could keep asking these questions all day but it doesn't change a thing.
So we keep moving along, pushing ourselves back into auto pilot mode just so we can cope with the next day.
Through everything we've been going through, I am starting to understand more and more why people begin a drinking problem. I can't do that. I won't do that. I am making the conscience choice to never do that but what happens when you snap (because it can happen to any one of us) and you need a way to get out of bed in the morning?
Thankfully, my drug of choice are my kids.
They are what fuel me every single day of the week. A random  cup of coffee or two helps but my kids really fuel me to keep focused and stay fixed on keeping this family together. When times, like right now, are really tough I look at them and can't just give up. Even when they're screaming and being defiant..
I'm not allowed to just give up and despite those times where I want to give up..where it gnaws at me.. where I just want to fucking throw in the towel already..I know I can't. I'm feeling the burn but I can't stop. I am not allowed. And I don't really want to give up. It's not even my nature nor is it my husband's.
And 99.9% of the time I do NOT want to give up. Without even having to take a glance at my kids, I feel the desire to continue on. Something gets me out of bed everyday. Besides, why would I want to give up now? What kind of message do I send to my children if mommy decides to just walk away from it all? I would be more lost without them and I remind myself of that constantly.
Call it co-dependency or whatever you want, but I need my kids.

I know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way and I know that I am not writing something new. But the amount of time I've been spending being pushed down.. completely weighed down..for doing all of the right things makes me wonder if that's the problem.. should I start stealing and acting like an asshole to people? Should I start mugging and begin my evolution as a thug and hustler? Should I live up to the expectation of what my old neighborhood taught? Is that what it's going to take to help my family to survive through these times? Because I'll do whatever I have to do.

Obviously, I know that throwing out the responsibility factor is not the best idea. But it still runs through my mind. Because I don't have an answer or anything remotely close to one when it comes to my question about nice people finishing last. I don't even know if there is one.

I hate it when people say that God won't give us more than we can handle. I hate that because it's not true whatsoever. Life will give you an amount of crap to take over even if it completely weighs you down and you're dragging along the highway, overloaded with trashbags and a stroller, looking for a warm place to stay for the night.

Our family has had one helluva of a year. But we're making it. One step and one bill and one necessity at a time..even doing without a few necessities.. but we're making it and that always counts for something. Even if we're too nice... I'd like to think that one day... ONE day we'll catch a break.


Sarah said...

Sometimes it's OK to say "why me??" After Claire was born I constantly asked that. We did everything right, we are good people, I prayed for her every single day, and we get this? An emergency c-section, a tiny frail 2.12 lb preemie, a month in the NICU, and months and years of therapy and dr. appts, and breathing treatments, etc. I felt sorry for myself, and you can too. It's OK - you don't have to be so tough all the time. Cry it out - my favorite place was the shower. And just know that things WILL get better - because how can they possibly get any worse?? Hang in there and know that you have friends from all over the country who are thinking of you ( :

Valerie E said...

<3 As Sarah said, you have all the reason in the world to ask why me. I pray that things continue to work in your favor. My thoughts are with you all daily.