There's definitely a mix of crap that we've been dealt lately. We're trying to take each situation one at at time and day to day, but I'm pretty sure we're reaching our boiling point.
It's been said that God won't give you more than you can handle. I usually believe that, because it not only sounds true but usually it is true. And then once the hard times roll on something good happens and all is well.
But I dunno anymore.
I first have to get this clear though: I NEVER place blame or guilt or anything or anyone about Natalie's heart condition. I do hear a lot of "why me?"s with some families and a lot "if I had just done something differently". I never ever do that. I don't feel angry at God or pissed off at myself or anyone because Natalie has a heart condition. I accept it because you know what? Natalie is the one that should be asking "why me?" and maybe have some resentment ..and all of those things she'll work through as she understands more and more. Because this is HER life and not mine. I'm just here to show her around and keep her very safe.
So, with that rambling aside, I bring that up because I am feeling guilty now for feeling anxiety about her next surgery. I feel horrible that I'm scared. I feel like an ass for even thinking about the possibility of complications. I know I can handle it. And I don't have a choice. Natalie is the one who is going to experience the pain and the being uncomfortable.. not me. Maybe this is why I get even more anxious because I would rather go through the surgery for her than have her go through it.
But I can't.
So, all I can do now is move ahead and keep reminding myself how I really feel..which is hugely optimistic.
On top of that great big 'ol crap pile sits a few other big things going on with us..and more details will come as I find time to sit and write but I have to get this all out there before my head explodes.
*The condo short sale ain't looking good. I'm hopeful but it's hard to be hopeful when the bank doesn't seem to want to help us. I would get into more details about our realtor, but out of respect, I'll not post anything about how we feel about the job she's doing. More than likely, we will foreclose on it. The buyer we had well..the offer that the bank is JUST now scrambling to organize is falling through. We sent it in a month ago and they haven't done anything. And now the buyer is looking at our big competitor in another building, but same community. I don't blame her. Who the hell has time for this???
*We're now saving up for a bankruptcy. And I don't want any judging on that one. We're not proud of it. It's depressing and embarrassing. But there's hope at the end of it and that is all. We've exhausted every way possible to save our asses and we're done with it all. The stress isn't worth it anymore especially when it begins to make you physically ill.
*The job I had with Wally World fell through. Total waste of time. Again, with respect to that (annoying) company I'll leave out the details..but let's just say I would literally rather work at McDonald's. Totally not kidding.
*My little sister has run away from where she was staying. Once again I have to remain vague.. but let's just say that this poor kid has had a rough life and the foster system in Maryland is failing her. I'm not saying that running away was the right choice at all. We just want her safe and protected. Because as I've told her before "all roads lead to Baltimore" and that's not a good thing for a 14 year old girl.
I'm sorry if this post is depressing. I really hate doing that but I've refrained so long from listing more of the real happenings here that I'm at least able to get it off my chest. The blog is sometimes my personal therapy. I'm an open book most of the time and I feel like if I'm not adding some not-so-pleasant stuff than I'm lying. But I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer.
I'll make up for it.