Friday, October 7, 2011

I don't even know where to start..

You know how people ask you "how are you?" or "how's it going?" and you just say "fine." even if you're not really fine. Instead, you want to yell how you really feel about how things are going lately.
Instead of "fine." I really want to say...

10.) that it's totally fucked up that Ricky lost his chance at that awesome job (that was slated to start October 24th) with no reason given. No reason.. just a really nonchalant "oh ..well... that position may or may not start until November..December... hmm.. even January if it does at all". I should have went to the staffing agency's office (the office that the company went through and completed the hiring) and choke someone. Not only did they stop communicating with us..but they are now acting like we're bothering them by asking a simple "why??"

9.) I really want to say how it's fucked up that I can't even take my children anywhere because I have no money. I can't take them to the circus like I wanted.. I can't take them to the zoo.. I can't take my children anywhere in the future at all because I suck as a parent and don't make enough to even pay the full rent.

8.) I really want to say that it's totally fucked up that our rent is late and we all know how that goes.. you're late because you don't have the money yet they charge a shit ton more money for simply being broke. You are penalized for being too poor.

7.) I really want to say that I need your prayers not your criticism.

6.) I really want to scream in pain. Natalie and I caught a virus and at first I had no idea what was  happening. I had a 104 temp, chills, and body aches almost 2 weeks ago, felt drained for several days and then felt fine. Then this week I wake up to all of joints so swollen and achey that I want to cry. I couldn't even squeeze the mop bucket right today. Natalie had the rash (really itchey), her lips are so cracked that they bleed (they're getting better so I can't scream about that) and then the virus went to her eyes- causing double pink eye. This is a child who doesn't even go to school. And when I tell people what we caught they look at me like I'm making it up. I wish I was.... my god I wish I was.

5.) I really want to say that I am so sick and tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole. I will remain at the bottom of the totem pole even though I focus so much incredible amounts of time trying to achieve higher than that. I get no where. It does get discouraging. Really fucking discouraging.

4.) I really want to say that I am so sick of my husband.. my talented husband.. being continuously laid off because he's not the right skin color. I honestly don't care if that offends anyone. It's my blog and if you don't like it then go lump my mom used to say. I hate that phrase, actually.
I hate the fact that some people think we enjoy the up and down rollercoaster and that they even have the audacity to blame us for our problems.. like we get joy from all of it. It never occurs to some people that we have zero control over what is happening. The only thing we have control over is how we decide to react to the constant layoffs.

3.) I really want to say that I am so pissed off that we can't even get a reply about Natalie's Make a Wish inquiry. A form was resent to our pediatrician's office so they could answer their questions and help determine if Natalie qualifies for a wish to be granted. Let me say this.. I know that this is a luxury..this is an opportunity that doesn't have to happen just because I want it to. We are not owed anything. But it upsets me that Natalie is being ignored. She is no less important than any other family out there. I want to scream at her doctor's office so bad. I see people going to Disney World.. getting offers of this and that and I can't even get a reply about Natalie. It's not fair.

2.) I really want to say that I'm pissed off that we were given a miscommunicated answer about Natalie's SSI claim by our social worker. They were actually refusing us food stamps because they believe that Natalie's claim was approved. It's been 2 weeks since that conversation ( I even announced Natalie's approval) and now, we're finding out that nothing was ever approved, in reality. We're still waiting for the claim to process and then find out the answer. That really makes me angry.

1.) I really want to say that I go about my day with a smile on my face, but inside, especially lately, I am crumbling. I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't take rejection anymore. I can't take our dreams and hopes being shattered countless times. I feel like I'm not even allowed to feel I'm only allowed to brush it off and keep moving. But keep moving where? There's no where to go! I can't take working my fingers to the bone..OUR fingers to the bone..only to get 20 steps backward. I know that I sound like a whiny little girl by writing this post and honestly, I hate typing out these words. I despise the fact that I know we don't deserve to be shitted on but we are..again and again and again and again. I despise the fact that people tell me to "just focus on the positives" because HELLO what positives?? Yes.. I have 2 beautiful children and a husband but it's a blessing for the 4 of us to drown in this shit pond together? That's okay? If it were just me I wouldn't be losing my shit as much. I can head to the nearest shelter, but I'm supposed to be okay taking my whole family there? Have those people who say such things not seen the inside of a shelter before? Probably not..
We're losing everything we worked hard for because we're too poor to keep it. We're not good enough. At least it feels that way. I have a right to whine and bitch all I want. Because at the end of the day I have to keep my cool, get my thoughts together, and be a good mom to my children. I still have to work..I still have to try and be a devoted wife to a man who is crumbling inside just as much as I am. I still have to devote myself to getting our shit together because we don't have a choice. We don't get many options but we have to make the best of the options we do have. Even if I grit my teeth doing it.


cartes said...

*hugs* Dawn, I love you...and every night you and your family are in my prayers, I know we live miles apart but please if theres anything please let me know...

Marie said...

I always keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. This just has me in tears. I want good things so much for you guys.