Wednesday, September 29, 2010

kind of ready to lose it.

The last thing that people want to read about is financial crap.. bad financial crap. Because if I could start this blog post with a "oh hey by the way I won some money in the lottery" you'd be all about reading that. Even I would want to read that.
But nope. I have no good news like that.
I can say though that as a sidenote, we're only 2 days away from October 1st.
That will mark 3 years since Natalie's very first open heart surgery- The Glenn Shunt. 3 years.. phew. Already. I'll post more about that this week.. after the exterminator leaves that day and gives us our apartment back.
Gosh I'm all over the place so I don't even know where to start first.. hmm bedbugs, money issues, or heart surgeries, where to go from here.

I'll stick to the financial crap.
Today we received our notice that if we don't pay our rent up to the full amount due the "real" party starts. We've been paying every penny of money we can pay each week. Luckily, we have landlords that are trying their hardest to work with us. But even they have a boss and this boss has no time for our petty foolishness. He has no time for anyone's separate issues. I can't blame him really.
Of course, if only he knew how unfoolish this all is and how upset we are that we can't pay all of our bills. If I had the money, I wouldn't even be writing this post.
We're trying every avenue of possibility to get this rent paid. We're still trying and as I just said about an hour ago.. "when there is a will there is always a way".  It's really true. I'm not a lazy ass who will just sit around and let it all just fall apart. Rick and I have worked way too hard to let that happen and we have 2 kids involved so if there is any tangible reason to keep going it's because of those 2 little cuties.

I'm just ranting is all.

And I am so SO sick of this shit.
It's starting to take an emotional toll on me that I didn't think could happen. But this emotional toll is another added fuel to get shit done. I won't rest easy until I know that things are better. Sleep? Who has time for that when plans need to be made...
But I think I have a right to say that I am so sick of this shit.
Barely scraping by. Barely making it. Not attaining goals that I know we can attain. I know that we will attain but we just need a little more time. We're both so focused on getting back to school and getting degrees and certifications but at the same time, those classes can't begin until January so we still are left with much more immediate obligations. I wish applying for colleges paid the bills. I loathe the fact that we just missed those school deadlines.
I just wish people could understand. I know some do and some can't and that's okay, too.. because if you've never been through it you don't know what it's like. I would prefer for no one else to go through what we're going through... but it's frustrating when people don't actually see how hard we work to keep going. But then I think... what is the use in caring what others think? Doesn't it only matter how Rick and I handle our business and take care of this? That we continue to be responsible? That we become completely self-sufficient and stay that way?
But then I'm posting a blog entry about all of this so maybe it makes no sense.

The blood, sweat, tears (oh! the tears), and the toll on our sanity to keep things going.. to keep 2 kids happy, 1 with a heart condition (who thankfully is doing really well right now) just speaking more of how in the past it affected hours worked, and then we still have to some how fulfill our own needs. Because what good are we if we aren't taking care of ourselves?
We all work hard to keep going so Rick and I are nothing special.
And I refuse to begin the "why us? WHY US? bullshit". I don't have time for pity parties. There are wonderful families out there that are homeless. Or god, even worse with other issues thrown in.
And then I get paranoid if I say "well it could get worse" because when I say that something else bad happens. So, I'm being careful.
But I refuse the pity party because I have no time for that.. I need to use that energy in fixing this problem and making sure it doesn't happen again. We are on our own with this because let's face it, we're all pretty broke right now. We've asked some charities for help and we are so lucky that the little they could do was still helpful.. we're really very lucky.
Not only are charities broke, but some resorted to stopping the help to families in need altogether. It's a tough economy out there and with each number I call and ask for help, it shows. The last thing any charity wants to do is deny help.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating us up for getting help because let's face it, sometimes we all need some help. We're really lucky to get any help we can.. help that'll push you towards where you need to go. We've all been there.

Being able to completely pay off our essential bills each month is such a satisfying feeling that, despite the looming foreclosure and bankruptcy, still kept our sanity going.. kept the feeling of gloom and doom away. Knowing that we could pay for our rent, our car, our electric bill is a feeling that we deserve to get back. We crave that satisfaction again.. that responsibility that was met.

Rick is making money and that's wonderful. It's not enough (yet) to cover the bills but soon it will be. Anyone who's started a new job, new pay period knows exactly what I mean.
And anyone who's gotten just a little bit behind on the essential bills knows exactly how tough it is to bounce back especially when those bills quickly begin doubling up. We're in a rut that I know we will get out of and I just need a way to get out of it.. with hard work of course. Just saying that and believing it is the hardest part.
Right now I am in the running to maybe, possibly get a really wonderful government job. I'm in the process of getting ready to go through the next testing phase that I know I will ace. After that, I think the actual interviews begin. I can't stress enough how a job making decent money could literally SAVE our family. Literally.
We wouldn't have to worry so much anymore. The biggest worry I'd have is fitting college courses in with working full time. I'll take that worry now, please. I would love for that type of worry. I crave that type of worry....
I want to work so badly that it makes my soul ache. To earn a salary and help support this family while working a job..scratch that.. a career.. is a dream that I have to attain. I want to work hard and I certainly would take pleasure in working hard to pull this family out of the financial ruins that it's in. It would something I could possibly retire from. I keep thinking about how we wouldn't have to live paycheck to paycheck anymore and the thought of that makes me so giddy. I'd be able to afford things like getting James into Cub Scouts.. getting Natalie signed up for some sort of activity (or sport).. and I could afford buying Rick the glasses that he still needs. Crap, I could afford some new shoes finally.
Our needs would be met.
I want this job so bad. I need this job. We need this job.

Anyone who comes across this entry please just hope that I get this job. That's all. Just a quick good vibe sent my way and that's all I ask for. Because if there is one thing that I know works is positivity..


Hope's Blog said...

I am sending good vibes, prayers, hope, and a bunch of other positive feelings your way! I must be an awesome landlord because my tenant had a heart attack in June and I have let them pay whatever they can since then. They are about $1800 behind, but I know they will get it to me when they can...they always have. They have been great tenants for years and I really hate looking for new tenants. It sucks that your landlord doesn't feel the same way. I know he/she has a mortgage payment (as do I) but I would think they had put some money away for times like this.

I hope you are able to work with them and can stay where you are. Moving sucks too.

Chicke3 said...

I will be praying for this job for you....Dan just started his new job and thankfully his old pay period and his new pay period should line up perfectly....but I do know that worry or not being able to pay bills sweetie...we have medical ones from dans accident and my early pregnancy piling up :-(

Valerie E said...

I think of you daily. Your family has a part of my heart that no one will ever have the chance to refill. You guys mean the world to me. I think of you always and know that October 6th is one of the biggest days you've had since moving to Colorado.. Heck even prior to really. I honestly feel good about this for you. By no means do I want to get your's or my hopes up but I want to say you got it in the bag because heck a 3rd interview is a big deal!
You guys do need this and I know that. You're probably one of the only people that I can say has been positive through out so many of the woahs that've been sent to you guys. It's your time... Your time to shine and have a meaningful smile on your face. A smile that'll not only light up your life, but light up your family's as well.
We love you Dawn and we're rooting for you! xoxoxoxo