Thursday, April 8, 2010

if you don't have a uterus or don't like to read about a uterus just look away..

GAAAAAH UTERUS.
I kind of hate my uterus right about now. It literally is trying to escape my body because I've done harm to it by having 2 big-headed kids and my extra weight to add to it. And I'm sure some fine genetics can be mixed in there. Who knows.
So, today I went to my post-op appointment for the laparoscopy I had 2 weeks ago and things were going great. Hardly any pain..feelin' fine.. just all in all feeling good again. I even noticed that some of my lower back pain has subsided since then. I went into the appointment late. Another story for another day but I can say this: that taking the wrong bus will never take you close enough. Schlepping along two kids, one sitting in a stroller and one walking for 15 blocks isn't as much as you'd think. But, we got there..20 minutes late even though we left 2 hours prior..either way, I felt triumphant. Because..we GOT THERE.
Gosh the kids were so good today. I let them finish their large chocolate bunnies when we got home but they deserved more than that. They were saints.
I get checked out by the doctor, very quick checkup and didn't expect much else. He sits down to tell me about some things that he found during my laparoscopy. Dun dun duuunnn.
Did.not.expect.that.

What else could he have found in there? I'm thinking.
Cancer?
Another baby?
My lost weddding ring?


Sorry to use humor here but sometimes it's the only way to get through.
I can say that none..zero..zilch of those things were found in my uterus. But he did find 2 pesky and slightly troubling things..
the first is that he found that I have uterine prolapse. Which basically means that over time..with age..with having kids, etc. your uterus can..well..get lower. But nothing major just as long as it's in the 1 or 2 degree range out of 4..4 meaning well..uhm..goodbye uterus.
Mine is in the 3rd degree.
HOLY FUCK. (sorry for the cussing..another way I can deal with this I guess)
The 2nd problem is that I have a uterine condition called "pelvic congestive syndrome" which in simple terms means that I have large varicose veins running throughout the back of my uterus.
Not cool and very dangerous.
And this, just like the first condition, comes from having children, genetics, and so many other factors.
I have to say this because for some reason (from shock maybe?) I feel like I have to defend myself.. but I have no idea how I got these conditions other than the extra weight I've carried for so many years and for having large kids. I honestly for the life of me can't figure it out. I'm otherwise healthy.
I walked 15 or so blocks with James today (poor kid) all uphill and after only settling down for a few minutes had my BP taken..it was 120 over 84. Very good!!
I am in shock. I am getting a little depressed..I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.
I will be okay. I know I will.

I just have to make a decision..very big decision. It's not an if when it comes to a partial hysterectomy but a "when will I have one" type of situation.
They can save my "gorgeous" ovaries (as my doctor called them..thanks doc) and I would still be able to produce my own hormones and everything. I just won't have .... a uterus..like anymore.

Then I think about and have rambled about to family about how I at least had 2 beautiful kids and USED that uterus twice. Too many women can't say that.
But this is a part of me. A part of me that carried my two kids that I have to get rid of.
I even had dreams of being a surrogate mom to a couple. That was what prompted me to get myself checked out and get on track so I could begin the surrogacy process.
And now..I can't.
I am allowed to have children but as the doctor put it, it would be my last one. It's too risky. And yes, we're done having kids.
But there is just something strange and unsettling about having your decision already made FOR you. Ya know?

I'll be okay.
I know I will. Just keep reminding me that okay?

7 comments:

connie and adam said...

You are a strong woman! You can decide if you really want to part with your baby making organ or wait. I know that you are fustrated but hang in there it will be all right. I will be praying for you.

Nancy said...

Oh my dear Dawn. I know what you mean. I've ha one of my ovaries and fylopian tube taken out a couple of months ago....and I will end up with another surgery in the couple of month to take everything else out, because i have another huge cyst that is killing my only ovary left. I know how your feeling. Knowing that you cannot have anymore children. Makes you angry inside. Angry as you can see soo many people having so many kids and not being able to take care of them. And here women like you and I get to have one or two children and boom no more! It makes you sad, cause that is a part of you. To me I keep on thinking " Gosh am I still going to be a women?" Losing those parts makes you sad, as they are who you are. Oh man i just want to cry with you. I just want to give you a huge hug. I feel for you there. I know how your getting so many mix emotions right now. And how confused you are about the whole situation. We will never know why us. Thats just something that is not possible to know. I hope all will go good for you! I really do!...Always remember that you are a strong women and you will over come struggle. I'm so sorry this had to happen to you after everything you guys have been through. love ya! hugsssss!

Hope's Blog said...

That is heavy stuff to find out. I know how you feel...your uterus is a part of you and you don't really want to get rid of it. You have time to decide and as long as you are feeling OK...don't rush. I am praying for you.

Carey said...

You'll be ok, Dawn. And yes, I understand that it must be hard to have a decision like that made for you. Both my mother and my sister-in-law ended up having an emergency hysterectomy during childbirth. Imagine waking up and discovering your uterus was taken from you while you were sleeping! I know it doesn't make it much easier, but at least you get to decide the "when," even if the "if" was chosen for you. Hang in there. I'll be saying an extra prayer for you.

PS - I LOVE the fact that you were willing to be a surrogate! That takes such a special person. I honestly don't know if I could ever do something like that. You truly are one of the most amazing people I know!!! And you will be okay. You will. xoxox

Two Lines On a Stick said...

((((HUGS)))))))

Marie said...

Dawn,

I am so sorry I'm only reading this now. I've been in oxycotton land thanks to a horribly painful root canal since Thursday :(

I am so sorry to hear this. I know what you mean and I know it hurts so badly to hear it. I wish you guys nothing but the best and wish there was something I could do for you or give you some kind of 'in person' support. Just know if you ever need to talk, I'm always here, and just remember - you have two gorgeous kids, and they always make the days brighter!!

Dawn B said...

Wow. You guys.
It's been a few weeks since this post and to be totally honest, I have been in a mode of trying not to think of this..but I do anyway. but I push it aside everyday for the sake of my sanity and for my husband and kids.
Now, though the fact that it's been 3 weeks almost since the diagnosis is pushing me to really get things going..get this surgery over and done with and move on. I'm really scared of it becoming an emergency hysterectomy.
You all are so wonderful.
I read your comments every few days and I've wanted to reply since the moment I saw them here. I gave it some time in case anything new with this popped up, and it hasn't. I even thought that maybe getting a second opinion would change things. But it doesn't.
I'm just now starting to look at this as a way to push myself into focusing on not only my health, but my future: enjoying my two cute kids, focusing on my marriage, Natalie's extra attention for her heart, and taking time to actually make plans about my future as a college student. I have to use this as a opportunity rather than something horrible.
I have to.
I'm only strong because of the people I've surrounded myself with (so fortunate): you guys, my family, other friends. It takes one strong woman to know others and each of you have been through so much in your lives, as well. I'm so lucky to even get these comments from fellow moms who are so wonderful. I truly appreciate it. Each and every one of you...