Wednesday, June 13, 2012

brace yourself.

I'm going to tell you something that I haven't quit articulated in this blog before. Or maybe I have.. subtly.. maybe not. I'm sure I've hinted but I haven't typed these words out on this blog before..

I am overwhelmed and losing my focus as a mom and as a person.

I am truly overwhelmed and in turn, I'm losing who I want to be as a mom to my 2 children. I'm yelling more. I'm impatient more.  I don't enjoy being around my children as much as I used to. I am grumpy and probably not pleasant to be around at times. Just ask James and Natalie. Although like the eternal lovers that they are, they'll probably tell you how awesome I am. Those two.. god love 'em. But I am truly losing my vision and getting lost in the whole picture. I'm losing who I am as a person above all and it's hard to even grasp why that is sometimes. But it's very real and it's really happening.

I was able to see a movie with my sister over the weekend, but as usual, I had to rush home to take care of my family. When I had left the apartment 3 hours prior, tears welled up in Natalie's eyes. Then I return to her big cheeky smile and realize.. wow, that was only 3 hours. No wonder she's so happy.. I was barely gone at all.
I needed more time. I need a chance to decompress and talk to an adult. Not over the phone. Not over texts. And not over Facebook. But a real fucking adult conversation. I usually just pour all of my mindless tangents out to my husband, but he's so overtired and probably losing his focus, too, that neither one of us can even carry on a successful conversation without feeling more stressed out and tired than before we even started chatting. It's a big circle of crap.

Never mind that I take care of 2 children 24/7 every day of the week. Plus it's summer vacation. I do love my "job". I'm lucky to have 2 children call me mom. But I don't have to like every second of it. Being a mom doesn't mean that I have to enjoy not being able to take a leak or a take a crap without interruption. I definitely don't have to enjoy lugging them everywhere with me. I don't have to enjoy thinking of ways, everyday, to keep them entertained. And I most definitely don't have to enjoy their super annoying whiny tantrums. Tantrums with a 5 and 6 year old, sometimes simultaneously like this morning while walking in the heat, gets old REAL quick. Before the tantrum erupts, I sense that I'm already annoyed. Then the tantrum happens and it's this whole self-fulfilled prophecy circle. Big circle of crap.

Our family handles sacrifices as best as anyone can. We're nothing special and we most certainly don't feel like heros. The opposite actually.
When you throw so many different struggles all happening at the same exact time, it is enough to make you feel like feeling sorry for yourself is the way to go..But then reality sets in, lack of time sets in, and you definitely don't have the chance to feel sorry for yourself. You just keep going and going.. even if you don't think you can.
Bankruptcy, a child with a severe heart defect (believe it or not but I'm still grieving here.. even 5 years later), a husband going to school full time, a husband also working full time, a really questionable future with everything.. and then throw in a 6 year old boy who is totally healthy but is growing up right before our eyes.. and both children old enough to understand more and more, it's overwhelming and I can feel it. It's not just me overwhelmed, everyone is overwhelmed. And you know how children are- if they have such a huge shift in their life they're going to act out even more. Hence.. the big circle of crap that continues.

I think they understand why their daddy is so busy, but they don't really know how to articulate their feelings about it. Their only defense is to act out because they know that I'm overwhelmed. They're just kids.. they're little.

I've had 7 years of being a stay at home mom and it's wearing thin on me. I wear it proudly (more than ever), but I'm so tired and my badge is knocked upside down. I can totally honestly say that I don't know how women, who have been stay at home moms for MANY years longer than 7, can keep doing it. I can't believe I've lasted 7 years. I've kept 2 children alive and well for 6 years so I guess that's some sort of good accomplishment. I guess.

But I am losing my focus and I'm losing who I am. I don't have time or the energy to tap into who I am as a person.. not a mom... not as a wife.. not any of those... but who I am as a person.. who the hell is Dawn? I kind of feel like I should really ask everyone that because I am too out of touch with who she is. I've completely lost my whole sense of self in this whole parenting and marriage gig.
Before anyone starts thinking that I need to go on some quest to find this out is crazy. There's no time for that either. I'm even too tired for that. I'm so impatient that I want some fast answer to all of this.

I'm supposed to take a college exam for classes that start in August and I can'tget there, even on a Saturday. I haven't even registered for classes because of it. I can't even find time to meet with the college advisor. I had a huge argument (me just yelling at the wall but in the husband's direction..which sucked for him the most.. the wall didn't seem to mind, though) about how his schedule doesn't allow me to be able to take of my own needs. I was extra dramatic about it all.. and I felt worse because I know I made him feel guilty. He's burning himself out and here I am making him feel worse. I never said I was the best wife. I raise my hand and accept that I suck.

When the kids were 1 and 2, I was under the impression that taking care of a 5 and 6 year old would be so easy. Somehow, it's gotten way harder and I don't understand that. I know I'm not in my 20s anymore but 33 isn't that old, so it's not about age. Despite what James and Natalie say. I feel like parenting should become easier for me but instead it's gotten incredibly harder. Or maybe I'm having one of those awesome "mid life crisis" things that people talk about.

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