Friday, August 5, 2011

woe is me.

I've lived in Colorado for 2 years and I feel like I'm making no progress.

Woe is me, I know I know.

I'm starting to doubt everyday why I'm here. Why we moved here. Why we are still here. Why the hell things can't just stay WELL for longer than a second. Why things can't just get better for my family. Why we're constantly pushed into situations where we have decide very quickly what to do. I'm so tired of being poor. I'm so SO tired of people saying that it's our fault that we're in this situation because we had our children first and that we didn't plan things well enough. I'm so tired of people not understanding what is REALLY going on. That we don't choose for this. That we are not exactly happy with how things are going. People need to understand that we have no control over things except that it could be even worse if we weren't 1000% committed to be proactive.
That we don't want sympathy just a shoulder to lean on. A ear (or eye in this case) to vent. But not on those because that'd be weird.

We work our asses off and we get nowhere. Or at least it feels like that. We work so hard that there are days our kids don't even see us, except for when we're heading to bed. All for that tiny ass check.

I know, woe is me. Woe is us.

I'm so tired of being made to feel guilty for our situation. I'm okay with not making high 5 digits or 6 figures or whatever.. I just want to be STABLE and able to pay my bills on a consistent basis and stop being so incredibly stressed out that I get so short with my children. It's so not their faults. I need to make some friends and go out. I don't even go out anywhere. Ever. Dudes, that's not healthy.

I feel like I'm just passing my shitty, poor, forgettable childhood on them. Passing the torch right on over.
Yeah, I can be a really great mom and I do believe that I'm pretty darn good at it. But we need to be real here: if I don't have the money to take care of them on a consistent basis then that doesn't exactly make me the best mom. Not even close.
Yes, I make sure that they take their vitamins, play with them, make sure they attend appointments, keep them from hurting themselves, and keep them from burning down our apartment.

I know, woe is me.. I get it I get it.

If I don't vent, then I will lose it. I posted recently that I have to start making changes in my life because I don't know if I'm clinically depressed or just normally overwhelmed and stressed out beyond my own comprehension. I have to start seeing changes for the better. There have to be changes for the better. I know that things never stay the same. But for the past 2 years I feel like nothing has changed. Our shitty poor situation would be the same here as it would be in Maryland. Nothing would really be different except we'd be counting down the days until we're locked out of whatshouldbe foreclosed condo.

And I know that there are people out there with worse situations. But I'm allowed to feel human once in while. I'm allowed to feel the way that I do. I'm allowed to feel utterly responsible and guilty for the fact that I'm setting myself up for failure if I keep talking negatively. Anyone else in my shoes would do the same thing. You would shout, just like I do on what feels like a daily basis now, "WHY ME??? WHY US... ????"

I know.. cue the violin.

But at the end of the day I start to feel that hope again. I feel so hopeful that I feel like I can't do anything except feel grateful. Once I remind myself that there are multiple reasons to feel hope then I can focus again. I can clear my head, stretch my neck, and rise out of bed in the morning to start the process all over again. The winning.... the losing... the back and forth and forth and back.. sometimes several steps back. But then I remind myself of the few steps forward we've taken..and I have to just focus on that. I have to. We all have to. That good things could come.. that that's why we work as hard as we do, to constantly move forward so we can actually let change happen. Keeping our options wide open everyday that it's actually exhausting. Every ounce of the stress is exhausting. Being ready to pounce on any opportunity to make things better. That's exhausting.
But it's empowering. And those are the feelings that we must stick with or our family has no chance of making it. I try to make myself understand everyday that this is what sets us apart from the rest.. our determination. We are a good family full of good people that deserve to have a chance at making it.


Carey said...

Yes, Dawn, you have a right to feel like you do. And I give you credit for having so much hope at the end of each day. Because honestly - a lot of people would just simply give up having to take yet another 5 steps back.

I would love to say things will get better, but of course, I don't know that for sure. What I do know is that you and Rick are amazing parents raising amazing children with a passion to get to those better days - so chances are pretty darn good that you WILL get there one day.

And when you do finally get to that place when things are stable and peaceful and good, think of how much more you will enjoy them simply because you went through these crappy, difficult times.

Keep that hope alive. xoxo

Dawn B said...

I love you. Gosh.... this is exactly the right medicine I need to hear. I am so grateful.
Rick and I always say that the struggle is worth it.. keeps us humble.. hopefully will keep our kiddos humble so they can grow up knowing what it is to struggle and always appreciate what they have. Luckily, we've always (ALWAYS) had friends and family cheering us on.. even helping us mentally and financially.. even giving us hugs.. THAT'S empowering. We feel so loved. xoxoxo