I am full of gratitude.
I am overflowing with it.
Please know that whoever read yesterday's post..well consider yourselves very special because I have yet to talk to my own husband about it. I needed to see how anyone else would react to it- anyone except my husband. I was also quietly hoping that no one would make fun of me.
Why am I so scared? It's simple really.. I don't want to worry him. I'm terrified of worrying him and then he'll have a flare up with his IBS and then he'll worry more after that. But I have to talk to him.. I have to.
Tonight. I'm going to do it tonight.
I spoke to my mom during break time at work today about it. Gosh it was awesome.
She was so supportive and really listened to me. This was the first time I told anyone in person about my "issue" so it was so assuring that telling the husband may not be as bad as I think.
But how do you start a conversation like that?
"Well honey by the way, I think of puking my guts out way too much these days.. can you tell me the number to which shrink I should go to?"
Okay.. maybe not in those words.
I really do need to see a shrink though. With our insurance I think there may be one option. Apparently there is only one place in the Denver area that handles our insurance and sees patients. I'll find more out tomorrow. I've gotten awesome and helpful advice (truly helpful thank you!) about places that will take anyone and charge an amount according to what your income would be- sliding scale, things of that sort. So, I feel pretty excited about making that call tomorrow. Finally.. fucking FINALLY something will change soon. Not overnight, but slowly but surely and that is the only thing I can even ask for right now.
I need my brain to operate normally again. I desperately need to be Dawn again. I need to kill this fear.. squash it and just move on. I have to get a grip on it or what sort of message does that send to my kids? There's no way, if I avoid help, will I get well enough to keep hiding my fears. Then I'll just end up passing along anxiety/panic issues to them. I can't do that. I won't do that. No way.
It's bad enough that Natalie has anxiety and anger issues. More on that later... and also yes, that's another phone call I have to make tomorrow. I need to schedule her 4th year well check up and that's when I can bring it up at her appointment and get this ball rolling. I really want to talk to her pediatrician first. Plus, I haven't heard anything since James' December check up about his speech therapy and I'm kind of angry about that. I need to bug the hell out of that office to get answers. I wish we could move to another pediatrician but with our insurance, well.. there's no way right now. Unless we move and well... no.
It will all work out.
I have to take care of myself and quit avoiding things.. pretending that I didn't really have a problem for 2 years got old. Real old.
Tomorrow..and I don't care how cheesy this sounds... is a new day.