Saturday, March 26, 2011

Confession.

I kind of have a confession to make..

Something that I've been battling for 2 years now. 2.whole.years. 2 very long years.
It all started around the time that we moved to Colorado.. I can't be sure if it started right before our move from Maryland or right after. My gut instincts tell me right after the move.

Since then I've developed a really big phobia. Not of spiders.. not of needles (you would think by now) or germs... not a phobia of heights or flying... or even of social situations.
I can finally admit my phobia after 2 years of keeping my mouth shut...

I have emetophobia
I know what the heck is that, right?
The fear of whaahuh?

In layman's terms..I have a huge phobia of barfing. I know here we go with the barf talk. 
I can deal with vomit.. I can clean it up.. I can't watch someone do it, but who really can? If I'm around it I don't freak out too much (well a little, but again who doesn't?) 
If my kids get sick I just take care of business. 
But this is how I am inside my head these days... 

Constant thoughts when I'm awake..intruding thoughts.. of "ohmygod what if I get sick and throw up today..oh no..I feel a tiny pinch in my stomach and I'm sitting on the bus that means I'm going to throw up.. oh no..what did I eat for dinner tonight  because what if I throw up in the middle of the night and then I can't go to work.. OH GOSH what did I just eat is that going to make me throw up later on..what if I throw up and it won't stop what do I do???"

That is my brain constantly. 

I know, it's so irrational. It's so RIDICULOUS. It, please don't be offended, is retarded. 
When things are hectic and insane I'm too busy to notice the thoughts as much. But then in the middle of the night, say 1am, those thoughts jolt me out of sleep and I think I'm going to be sick. It's all in my head. 
And then when I DO come down with a real stomach bug, it's horrible. 
I make myself even more sick with worry.. constant.. constant worry that controls my entire life. My overall being and health. 

I'm afraid to eat. I'm afraid to eat certain foods. I'm afraid of food sometimes. 
Sometimes, being the key word because I'm still overweight and there are bursts of time where I just eat that candybar or drink that cup of coffee because forget it I'm going to enjoy it whatever. Then of course right afterward, I'm jumping out of my skin again with incredible fear. 
I mean I need to live. I need to eat to live. I also used to live to eat because I love food. Well, I loved food. 
This phobia accompanied by the 7.5 hours of constant movement at work, is what has led me to lose weight. 
When Rick was going through his really awful IBS struggles a few months ago and also during our almost homeless period, before beginning a medicine regime to help him out, my phobia was even worse. I would watch him throw up from his stress-created flare ups and my brain went even more haywire. I can't tell you how many times I nervously said to him "are you okay? are you.. are you okay??" for good reason obviously. I wanted to know that he was okay. Also, gosh this is selfish..but I was scared for myself. I didn't want to throw up. I couldn't stop thinking about it.. and the fear.. god the fear. 
I'm so f'in sick of the fear. 

Sometimes, I can't take the fear of it all.. it gets so bad that I have a hard time getting out of bed for work and on that bus in the early morning. I've skipped eating breakfast because of it (although eating breakfast at 5:30am isn't that great anyway). 

Oh god that bus. 
I sit on a bus for hours a day and if I am extra tired that morning the phobia just blares away in my head like a loud LOUD siren the entire time. Then at least a few times a week I make myself feel sick. Literally, sick to my stomach. 

I constantly worry.. worrying about if I will come down with a stomach flu. I worry that I'll get food poisoning.. I worry that I'll end up with cancer and have to go through chemotherapy and throw up every day because of it.. I mean, shouldn't I just fear the CANCER more? What the hell is wrong with my brain?

This has all been happening since our move to Colorado. 
Other than the fact that it was such a life-changing move.. it's still remained a positive move so I don't get why this is happening. If we genuinely love being here, why am I dealing with something so severe now that it just keeps getting worse? Or is the move to Colorado even why I have this problem...? Is this phobia and anxiety a result of how I'm dealing with so much trauma that I've endured in the past? I know that is such a loaded sentence there.. But then I think about the unlimited shit in my life that has happened..  the death of my father (who was an alcoholic growing up), the loss of my ability to have more children, the loss of jobs, huge financial distress, the severe heart disease that my daughter has, the far less than awesome childhood I had, learning and acquiring anxiety and fear at such a small age... I mean the list can just get longer and longer because there's so much more, maybe this is all finally getting to me? After all of this time....

Good grief.. this is all so depressing. 
But oddly, I don't feel depressed. Or is that what depressed people say? That they didn't realize that their feelings involved depression? 

I just don't understand. I just don't know. I hate that I don't know. 
I do know that I'm not a wimp for admitting all of this. I kept doubting my posting this and just said "F it.. I have to.. I want to .... I need to.."

Typing this out feels awesome. The phobia is still shouting in my head.. the anxiety is still right there.. but I already feel like I have a grip on this.. at least 1% of control. All because I typed this out. 

I need to get this under control.. safely.... like professionally under control if you know what I mean. 
I just don't know where to start... 
If you've actually taken the time to read this, thank you. I hate typing super-serious posts. I really do. But I need to get a grip on this problem and move on. I have to move on for god's sake. I need to take all of this wasted thinking of puking and instead replace it with so many more useful thoughts. 
I forget about appointments, making appointments, deadlines and so much now because of my irrational thinking. 

yeah.. I think it's time to get help, don't you?

4 comments:

Michael said...

oh dawn :( so sorry you are going through this, I have irrational fears about some things too, but not like this, normally I am able to squash the fears....
Do you have health insurance? If so, I would log into your online account and search for therapists in the area dealing with anxiety. Let me know if you need some help! xoxoxo

Michael said...

p.s that was from Liz not mike

Your_no_friend_of_mine said...

You can go through hypnosis for "curing" this phobia Dawn. If it's gotten to you as badly as you have here, I would seriously look into it. So sorry you're dealing with this, it's traumatic just knowing that this is a reoccurring concern for you, it's time to make a change sweetie!!

cartes said...

Hey I agree with Liz, even if you dont have insurance, there should be a clinic or clinics near by that will charge you based on your income. Anxiety can occur by itself, it doesnt necessarily need to be accompanied by depression. A therapist will be able to determine if you need to be on medication or not...sometimes just talking to a third party helps. Trust me though, I do know what you are going through, I struggle with irrational fears every day, even with being on medication. I am always here to talk to if you need/want too!