Tuesday, August 3, 2010

totally not really about me, but sometimes I can't help it.

Sometimes I have delayed panicky feelings when it comes to the health of my kids. And most of that panicky, probably neurotic, stressful anxiety comes from keeping cool on the exterior 24/7 when it comes to Natalie's heart.

I can say this, there's nothing to worry about and Natalie couldn't be more perfect. Every single thing with her is perfect.

She's doing fantastic. So fantastic that more and more lately I sort of forget that she even has a heart condition. Imagine that..

And then that's where my panicky feelings start. I know. I'm weird like that.
In the evenings, especially, I end up with more feelings of anxiety when she's well than when she's in the middle of healing from open heart surgery. My only theory is that I push it off and push it off more until I can't and then well, the overflow begins. And also, I've spent almost 3 years of worrying when it was completely acceptable and now I don't know what to do with that negative energy...?
When I see how perfect she is doing and how beautifully ruby red those lips of hers are, I start wondering, 

"is this for real? is there nothing else that I need to doublecheck about her heart? is this it? just waiting for a cath. to close that hole and that's it?"

I know ya'll. I'm weird. Weird weird weird.
I'm definitely an annoying "glass is half full" kind of person so I surprise myself when I think too much and wonder if something bad is supposed to happen? Because.. so many kids have complications of some sort after their Fontan? And then I realize that I look at too many statistics and am learning from fellow CHD adult survivors like Lauren (who also has Tricuspid Atresia just like Natalie!) that I need to just.chill.out already.
I wonder sometimes.. is it really okay that my TA survivor only takes a multivitamin and baby aspirin daily? Of course it is (see, I'm so weird I'm answering myself) but I marvel in the fact that this kid of mine is so different in such a fantastic way.
She's tall, HEAVY, solid, energetic, cuddly, healthy (because she hardly ever gets sick) and independent. Not what you would picture for a child with a severe heart defect.
I'm still teaching myself that this is probably going to be the normal for Natalie. She's always going to look and act like any other spunky and wild 3 year old little girl. I'm slowly learning how to quit freaking out at 1 o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep because I'm worried about bad things that probably are never going to happen..
I just need to chill out already.

1 comment:

Kristin said...

At least I am not alone on this subject... You are so not crazy I just called the cardiologist and for what? Her to tell me her heart looks great other than some small things that are possibly related to the meds and to watch her blood pressure because she wants to know if that is what is affecting her.. Other than that I shouldn't be worrying right now... Ok so yea that is normal..