Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Anxiety,

I think it's safe to say that I don't like you. Does anyone? Really? I don't like how you pop up out of nowhere, take hold of me, and then do what you want. Because of this post I touched a little bit on the subject in this blog and would like this post to be one of the last. You are not my friend nor do I like you even a little bit.
I don't like how I wake up in the middle of the night, pulled from a deep sleep, feeling sick to my stomach with you right there. I don't like how no matter how hard I pull myself away from stressful situations, you are right there waiting and willing to pull me back in. I really don't care for your existence and thrive just fine when you're not around.
You are creeping up behind me and have for so long that I can't stand it. You were there when Rick lost his job repeatedly for the past 3 years and here you are again.You are there when I try to not think about Natalie's heart condition and I am trying desperately for you to not rub off on her. She's been through enough don't you think? You're starting to make a bigger appearance as I get closer to my surgery date..taunting me with "what if?s and toying with my feelings about never being allowed to give birth ever again. I'm not surprised at all to see you there when I've tried desperately to not even make a big deal out of it.
I see you there when I deal with family issues..family issues that are bombarding me with so much fucking stress..I can barely breathe. And you don't help at all when I think about how I still have yet to properly grieve for my father. You are right there front and center, when I try to figure out a way to help my l4 year old sister with problems so severe, that it's sickening. When I think about how to get out of financial ruin, there you are again poking your ugly face. And as soon as things are looking up, you are right there looking down at me, planning your next move.
I try not to use the word "hate" because it's such an intense and seemingly absolute word. But let's just say that I strongly dislike you and the effect you have on me.
You make me unable to think, unable to function the way I need to, and you definitely don't help in the marriage department. And most of all, you help no one.
That is why I am going to begin outsmarting you. I just hope that you leave quickly and without any permanent damage.
No love,

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